Skinhead Hamlet
Tue, 19 Feb 2002, 11:55 amWalter Plinge3 posts in thread
Skinhead Hamlet
Tue, 19 Feb 2002, 11:55 amAct One / Scene One:
The Battlements of Elsinore Castle. Enter Ghost and Hamlet.
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was f--ked!
Exit Ghost.
HAMLET: O f--k!
Exit Hamlet.
Scene Two:
The Throneroom. Enter Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, and court.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet: give over!
HAMLET: F--k off, won't you?
Exit Claudius, Gertrude, and court.
HAMLET (alone): They could have f--king waited.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO: Oi! Whatcha c--k!
HAMLET: Weeeey!
Exeunt.
Scene Three:
Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter Ophelia and Laertes.
LAERTES: I'm f--king off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be f--ked if he does.
Exeunt.
Scene Four:
The Battlements. Enter Horatio, Hamlet, and Ghost.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That @!#$ Claudius. He poured f--king poison in my f--king ear!
HAMLET: F--k me!
Exeunt.
Act Two / Scene One:
A corridor in the castle. Enter Hamlet reading. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: F--k off, Grandad!
Exit Polonius. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
ROS & GUIL: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: F--k off, the pair of you!
Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET (Alone): To f--k or be f--ked.
Enter Ophelia.
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: F--k off to a nunnery!
They exit in different directions.
ACT THREE / SCENE ONE:
The throne room. Enter players and all the court.
FIRST PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart....
CLAUDIUS: I'll be f--ked if I watch any more of this crap.
Exeunt.
SCENE TWO:
Gertrude's Bedchamber. Enter Hamlet, to Gertrude.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your f--king mouth, kid!
POLONIUS (from behind the curtain): Too right.
HAMLET: Who the f--k was that?
He stabs Polonius through the arras.
POLONIUS: F--k!
HAMLET: F--k! I Thought it was that other @!#$.
Exeunt.
ACT FOUR / SCENE ONE:
Court Room.
CLAUDIUS: F--k off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE TWO:
Throneroom. Ophelia, Gertrude, and Claudius.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
She hands Gertrude some rosemary and exits.
CLAUDIUS: She's f--king round the twist, in't she?
GERTRUDE (looks out window): There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and f--king drowned!
CLAUDIUS: F--k! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
Exeunt.
SCENE THREE.
A corridor.
LAERTES (Alone): I'm going to f--king do this lot!
Enter Claudius.
CLAUDIUS: I didn't f--king do it, mate. It was that @!#$ Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, f--k him.
ACT FIVE / SCENE ONE:
Hamlet's Bedchamber. Hamlet and Horatio.
HAMLET: I get this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying f--k.
Exeunt.
SCENE TWO:
Large Hall. Enter Hamlet, Laertes, Gertrude, Claudius, and court.
LAERTES: Oi, @!#$: let's get on with it!
HAMLET: Delighted, f--kface.
They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.
LAERTES: F--k!
HAMLET: F--k!
The Queen drinks.
GERTRUDE: F--king odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong f--king cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET (Pouring poison down Claudius' throat) Well, f--k you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely f--ked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
Laertes dies.
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm f--ked. The rest is f--king silence.
Hamlet dies.
HORATIO: F--k. That was no ordinary @!#$, you know.
Enter Fortinbras.
FORTINBRAS: What the f--k's going on here?
HORATIO: A f--king mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's f--ked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: F--king shame. F--king good bloke.
HORATIO: Too f--king right.
FORTINBRAS: F--k this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
Exeunt with alarums.
THE REAL THING OPENS FRIDAY MARCH 8
@ THE NEW FORTUNE ELIZABETHAN THEATRE, U.W.A.
(see the What's On page)
The Battlements of Elsinore Castle. Enter Ghost and Hamlet.
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was f--ked!
Exit Ghost.
HAMLET: O f--k!
Exit Hamlet.
Scene Two:
The Throneroom. Enter Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, and court.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet: give over!
HAMLET: F--k off, won't you?
Exit Claudius, Gertrude, and court.
HAMLET (alone): They could have f--king waited.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO: Oi! Whatcha c--k!
HAMLET: Weeeey!
Exeunt.
Scene Three:
Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter Ophelia and Laertes.
LAERTES: I'm f--king off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be f--ked if he does.
Exeunt.
Scene Four:
The Battlements. Enter Horatio, Hamlet, and Ghost.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That @!#$ Claudius. He poured f--king poison in my f--king ear!
HAMLET: F--k me!
Exeunt.
Act Two / Scene One:
A corridor in the castle. Enter Hamlet reading. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: F--k off, Grandad!
Exit Polonius. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
ROS & GUIL: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: F--k off, the pair of you!
Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET (Alone): To f--k or be f--ked.
Enter Ophelia.
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: F--k off to a nunnery!
They exit in different directions.
ACT THREE / SCENE ONE:
The throne room. Enter players and all the court.
FIRST PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart....
CLAUDIUS: I'll be f--ked if I watch any more of this crap.
Exeunt.
SCENE TWO:
Gertrude's Bedchamber. Enter Hamlet, to Gertrude.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your f--king mouth, kid!
POLONIUS (from behind the curtain): Too right.
HAMLET: Who the f--k was that?
He stabs Polonius through the arras.
POLONIUS: F--k!
HAMLET: F--k! I Thought it was that other @!#$.
Exeunt.
ACT FOUR / SCENE ONE:
Court Room.
CLAUDIUS: F--k off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE TWO:
Throneroom. Ophelia, Gertrude, and Claudius.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
She hands Gertrude some rosemary and exits.
CLAUDIUS: She's f--king round the twist, in't she?
GERTRUDE (looks out window): There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and f--king drowned!
CLAUDIUS: F--k! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
Exeunt.
SCENE THREE.
A corridor.
LAERTES (Alone): I'm going to f--king do this lot!
Enter Claudius.
CLAUDIUS: I didn't f--king do it, mate. It was that @!#$ Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, f--k him.
ACT FIVE / SCENE ONE:
Hamlet's Bedchamber. Hamlet and Horatio.
HAMLET: I get this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying f--k.
Exeunt.
SCENE TWO:
Large Hall. Enter Hamlet, Laertes, Gertrude, Claudius, and court.
LAERTES: Oi, @!#$: let's get on with it!
HAMLET: Delighted, f--kface.
They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.
LAERTES: F--k!
HAMLET: F--k!
The Queen drinks.
GERTRUDE: F--king odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong f--king cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET (Pouring poison down Claudius' throat) Well, f--k you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely f--ked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
Laertes dies.
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm f--ked. The rest is f--king silence.
Hamlet dies.
HORATIO: F--k. That was no ordinary @!#$, you know.
Enter Fortinbras.
FORTINBRAS: What the f--k's going on here?
HORATIO: A f--king mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's f--ked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: F--king shame. F--king good bloke.
HORATIO: Too f--king right.
FORTINBRAS: F--k this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
Exeunt with alarums.
THE REAL THING OPENS FRIDAY MARCH 8
@ THE NEW FORTUNE ELIZABETHAN THEATRE, U.W.A.
(see the What's On page)
RE: Skinhead Hamlet
Fri, 22 Feb 2002, 07:26 amHi Auctor
> If you're going to use Richard Curtis' work in its entirety to
> advertise your play, it would be nice to:
> a> attribute the writer; and,
I suspect that "Hamlet's Cat" came across one of the hundreds of unattributed copies of this script on the 'net and considered the work apocryphal. According to Google this version was about number 203!
:-)
> b> send him a couple of free tickets. I'll even offer myself as a
> proxy if he can't make it.
You've earned a couple anyway for encouraging us all to preserve at least some minimal standards of attribution while we ditch the rest of a corrupted intellectual property agenda.
Drop me a line and i'll set some tickets aside for any night on the first weekend of the season.
:-)
Cheers
Grant
> If you're going to use Richard Curtis' work in its entirety to
> advertise your play, it would be nice to:
> a> attribute the writer; and,
I suspect that "Hamlet's Cat" came across one of the hundreds of unattributed copies of this script on the 'net and considered the work apocryphal. According to Google this version was about number 203!
:-)
> b> send him a couple of free tickets. I'll even offer myself as a
> proxy if he can't make it.
You've earned a couple anyway for encouraging us all to preserve at least some minimal standards of attribution while we ditch the rest of a corrupted intellectual property agenda.
Drop me a line and i'll set some tickets aside for any night on the first weekend of the season.
:-)
Cheers
Grant