Skinhead Hamlet
Tue, 19 Feb 2002, 11:55 amWalter Plinge3 posts in thread
Skinhead Hamlet
Tue, 19 Feb 2002, 11:55 amAct One / Scene One:
The Battlements of Elsinore Castle. Enter Ghost and Hamlet.
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was f--ked!
Exit Ghost.
HAMLET: O f--k!
Exit Hamlet.
Scene Two:
The Throneroom. Enter Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, and court.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet: give over!
HAMLET: F--k off, won't you?
Exit Claudius, Gertrude, and court.
HAMLET (alone): They could have f--king waited.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO: Oi! Whatcha c--k!
HAMLET: Weeeey!
Exeunt.
Scene Three:
Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter Ophelia and Laertes.
LAERTES: I'm f--king off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be f--ked if he does.
Exeunt.
Scene Four:
The Battlements. Enter Horatio, Hamlet, and Ghost.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That @!#$ Claudius. He poured f--king poison in my f--king ear!
HAMLET: F--k me!
Exeunt.
Act Two / Scene One:
A corridor in the castle. Enter Hamlet reading. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: F--k off, Grandad!
Exit Polonius. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
ROS & GUIL: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: F--k off, the pair of you!
Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET (Alone): To f--k or be f--ked.
Enter Ophelia.
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: F--k off to a nunnery!
They exit in different directions.
ACT THREE / SCENE ONE:
The throne room. Enter players and all the court.
FIRST PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart....
CLAUDIUS: I'll be f--ked if I watch any more of this crap.
Exeunt.
SCENE TWO:
Gertrude's Bedchamber. Enter Hamlet, to Gertrude.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your f--king mouth, kid!
POLONIUS (from behind the curtain): Too right.
HAMLET: Who the f--k was that?
He stabs Polonius through the arras.
POLONIUS: F--k!
HAMLET: F--k! I Thought it was that other @!#$.
Exeunt.
ACT FOUR / SCENE ONE:
Court Room.
CLAUDIUS: F--k off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE TWO:
Throneroom. Ophelia, Gertrude, and Claudius.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
She hands Gertrude some rosemary and exits.
CLAUDIUS: She's f--king round the twist, in't she?
GERTRUDE (looks out window): There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and f--king drowned!
CLAUDIUS: F--k! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
Exeunt.
SCENE THREE.
A corridor.
LAERTES (Alone): I'm going to f--king do this lot!
Enter Claudius.
CLAUDIUS: I didn't f--king do it, mate. It was that @!#$ Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, f--k him.
ACT FIVE / SCENE ONE:
Hamlet's Bedchamber. Hamlet and Horatio.
HAMLET: I get this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying f--k.
Exeunt.
SCENE TWO:
Large Hall. Enter Hamlet, Laertes, Gertrude, Claudius, and court.
LAERTES: Oi, @!#$: let's get on with it!
HAMLET: Delighted, f--kface.
They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.
LAERTES: F--k!
HAMLET: F--k!
The Queen drinks.
GERTRUDE: F--king odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong f--king cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET (Pouring poison down Claudius' throat) Well, f--k you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely f--ked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
Laertes dies.
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm f--ked. The rest is f--king silence.
Hamlet dies.
HORATIO: F--k. That was no ordinary @!#$, you know.
Enter Fortinbras.
FORTINBRAS: What the f--k's going on here?
HORATIO: A f--king mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's f--ked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: F--king shame. F--king good bloke.
HORATIO: Too f--king right.
FORTINBRAS: F--k this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
Exeunt with alarums.
THE REAL THING OPENS FRIDAY MARCH 8
@ THE NEW FORTUNE ELIZABETHAN THEATRE, U.W.A.
(see the What's On page)
The Battlements of Elsinore Castle. Enter Ghost and Hamlet.
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was f--ked!
Exit Ghost.
HAMLET: O f--k!
Exit Hamlet.
Scene Two:
The Throneroom. Enter Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, and court.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet: give over!
HAMLET: F--k off, won't you?
Exit Claudius, Gertrude, and court.
HAMLET (alone): They could have f--king waited.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO: Oi! Whatcha c--k!
HAMLET: Weeeey!
Exeunt.
Scene Three:
Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter Ophelia and Laertes.
LAERTES: I'm f--king off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be f--ked if he does.
Exeunt.
Scene Four:
The Battlements. Enter Horatio, Hamlet, and Ghost.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That @!#$ Claudius. He poured f--king poison in my f--king ear!
HAMLET: F--k me!
Exeunt.
Act Two / Scene One:
A corridor in the castle. Enter Hamlet reading. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: F--k off, Grandad!
Exit Polonius. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
ROS & GUIL: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: F--k off, the pair of you!
Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET (Alone): To f--k or be f--ked.
Enter Ophelia.
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: F--k off to a nunnery!
They exit in different directions.
ACT THREE / SCENE ONE:
The throne room. Enter players and all the court.
FIRST PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart....
CLAUDIUS: I'll be f--ked if I watch any more of this crap.
Exeunt.
SCENE TWO:
Gertrude's Bedchamber. Enter Hamlet, to Gertrude.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your f--king mouth, kid!
POLONIUS (from behind the curtain): Too right.
HAMLET: Who the f--k was that?
He stabs Polonius through the arras.
POLONIUS: F--k!
HAMLET: F--k! I Thought it was that other @!#$.
Exeunt.
ACT FOUR / SCENE ONE:
Court Room.
CLAUDIUS: F--k off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE TWO:
Throneroom. Ophelia, Gertrude, and Claudius.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
She hands Gertrude some rosemary and exits.
CLAUDIUS: She's f--king round the twist, in't she?
GERTRUDE (looks out window): There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and f--king drowned!
CLAUDIUS: F--k! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
Exeunt.
SCENE THREE.
A corridor.
LAERTES (Alone): I'm going to f--king do this lot!
Enter Claudius.
CLAUDIUS: I didn't f--king do it, mate. It was that @!#$ Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, f--k him.
ACT FIVE / SCENE ONE:
Hamlet's Bedchamber. Hamlet and Horatio.
HAMLET: I get this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying f--k.
Exeunt.
SCENE TWO:
Large Hall. Enter Hamlet, Laertes, Gertrude, Claudius, and court.
LAERTES: Oi, @!#$: let's get on with it!
HAMLET: Delighted, f--kface.
They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.
LAERTES: F--k!
HAMLET: F--k!
The Queen drinks.
GERTRUDE: F--king odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong f--king cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET (Pouring poison down Claudius' throat) Well, f--k you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely f--ked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
Laertes dies.
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm f--ked. The rest is f--king silence.
Hamlet dies.
HORATIO: F--k. That was no ordinary @!#$, you know.
Enter Fortinbras.
FORTINBRAS: What the f--k's going on here?
HORATIO: A f--king mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's f--ked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: F--king shame. F--king good bloke.
HORATIO: Too f--king right.
FORTINBRAS: F--k this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
Exeunt with alarums.
THE REAL THING OPENS FRIDAY MARCH 8
@ THE NEW FORTUNE ELIZABETHAN THEATRE, U.W.A.
(see the What's On page)