Funny Car Stories - Just for fun :)

So, where was I ... Oh yes, being driven off to hospital after a 'near-fatal' car accident.

Now, you may recall that I had asked the cop to contact my parents and get them to notify the theatre. Well my pleas did not stop there. I think I hounded that Ambulance Drivers into submission, and the Emergency nurses, and anyone else around until a doctor quite soundly told me that he had spoken with them and that I could shut-up now. They were on their way and had promised to inform the theatre first.

In the meantime, I was observed for a short while until it was absolutely clear that the lack of feeling I had experienced was only due to the fact that all the blood had rushed to the extremities of my body leaving my brain and heart a little starved. Once the balance was returned, then I felt a little better. Apparently, the centrifugal forces I experienced were that extreme. Well, not surprising really, I was stuck in a car that was swinging wildly left and right, spinning in some vague notion of control (if you believe the cop) for nearly 200 meters.

The combined time taken to be checked out, waiting for my parents, taken home and what-not meant that I had completely missed the first show that day. I was not going to miss the second. Time was short so I set about convincing my mother to take me back into the Uni. theatre. I think the argument about getting back on the horse was the final straw. I still needed to get some things from the city so we bundled off, grabbed what I needed and made a dash for the uni. I told mum I would bus it home and trotted off to the theatre. As I came closer, I was able to hear the the show had just gotten underway so I dashed for the green room door.

Side note here. I found out that my parents had called the hospital after the cop had called and tried to find out what had happened. They were told that such information could not be given out over the phone (huh?) and that I had a request... The request I think was what made my parents not panic too much - "CALL THE THEATRE!!!" Personally, this nonsense about not able to give out details, heck I think they didn't have any details to give out at the time. It was on that information that they called the theatre.

Upon entering, I saw a handful of crew lounging about on the second hand sofas and arm-chairs.

"Hello Jeff. We didn't expect to see you back today."

"Couldn't keep me away if you tried."

"How are you feeling."

"Alright. I little spaced out but otherwise fine."

At that moment, the upstairs girl's change room door opened and a gaggle of girls voices started coming closer. Within seconds they had come into view of the green room. They all stopped in unison, saw me, screamed, then went bolting back up the stairs.

"Ummm, what's wrong with them."

"Oh, they probably think you're dead. That was the rumour."

Oh, I thought.

It is a strange thing fate. It plays some awful tricks on people. I had missed my first appearance on stage (as a dancing bean) and thinking odd things about girls and death, I headed up to my changing area. It was there that I met the young lady who had taken my role over earlier that day. Apparently, she either had not heard or did not believe the rumour going around as she was 'happy' to see me. Happy in the fact that she tended to look down on most people including me and was glad that she didn't have to take my role anymore. We agreed that she would take the role of bean and I would reclaim my other roles (cherub and evil lawyer).

Toni, the director then appeared having heard that I was back. Again he was pleased to see me. He had not been concerned. When my parents had called, they had told him that while they did not know how I was, they weren't worried. So the rumour had obviously started elsewhere. I absorbed all this as I got into costume as the evil lawyer.

My first appearance for that day was from behind the audience, a side passage that lead to the main foyer. My two 'co-stars' for this entry both confessed to hearing the rumours but not putting much truth to them and were more than pleased to see me. However, I think Fee had been a little more taken in by the rumour than he admitted, judging by his reaction to seeing me.

Anyway, the three of us lined up to make our entry, Lawyer number one out front, Fee behind holding the front of our load and me last at the back end of our load. Then our entry. We marched on. I often try to imagine what it must have been like for those on-stage, who had been onstage since before I had arrived and therefor had not had a chance to hear the tale of Jeff's return. What must have been going through their minds when they saw me, alive and well, walking tall, holding up the rear-end (of all things) of a coffin! Combined with the rumour that I was dead?!?!

The the character who had all the lines, hats off. She held her composure brilliantly although she did risk a subtle, stunned glance at my face to make sure she wasn't seeing things. The young man playing Jack was almost drooling his mouth was open so wide, an expression that was reflected around the stage. Appropriate really, because they were all meant to be a little stunned at the "death of their landlord", they were just looking at me, instead of the coffin.

Absit invidia (and DFT :nono:)

Jeff Watkins
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