An Actor's Guide to Performance

Wait for all applause--real, expected, or imagined! If you don't get an ovation, face front and repeat the last phrase...louder. Failing this, clap for yourself.Cultivate an attitude of hostility. Tension gets results---on stage and off.A good performance, like concrete, should be molded quickly and then forever set.Your first responsibility as an actor is to find your light.Do not listen to your fellow actors on stage. It will only throw you.Do not look at them either---you may not like what you see.Always be specific---point to what you're talking about.If a phrase isn't working for you, change it.Stage Managers are NOT actors--ignore them. Keep them alert by never arriving on time or signing in.Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention, especially if you feel the other actors aren't very entertaining.Mistakes are never your fault.Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Your fellow actors will respect your professional attention to detail.Never carry make-up--someone else will always have what you need.Never help understudies. (They secretly hate you and want your job)Do help your fellow actors by giving them constructive criticism whenever you feel it necessary. Be sure to give that criticism immediately before they go on--it will be fresh in their minds that way.Keep other actors on their toes by ridiculing their performances, and never let them know what you're going to do next.Play the reality--always be aware of the audience and whether you think they like the play, then gauge your performance accordingly. Why knock yourself out for ungrateful snobs?Need to develop a character? Get a costume.The only difference between an amateur and a pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.-- courtesy of rec.arts.theatre.plays newsgroup