shyness & self consiousness

I am struggling through life because of my shyness. I was raised in a strict catholic family and not allowed to have friends over or go places. I am now in my early 30's and struggling with few friends and I sabotage every wonderful career opportunity that's come my way....which have been a lot. I panic and then pass the opportunity to someone else. The problem I've encountered recently over and over again is people when I meet them saying to me, "are you alright, you look like you're going to have a breakdown, or relax, and they pick up on my problem. I don't know what's happening, but I used to be able to disguise it more and now I'm becoming even more fearful of meeting new people etc. because of all of these recent comments. I just want to hide more. They seem to be happening with almost everyone. I recently put on some weight so I attribute this to that...that my self image has gone down. To sum it up, I am so tired of holding myself back in life this way. It is so painful to know that I am living with this problem and I want to change. What do I do to change this? Any advice as to what's happening with me and I attribute my shyness to the environment I grew up in, am I correct? (although my brothers are not this way) Please help!

Hi Andrea,
I am sorry to hear your situation. I have personally been involved in his situtaton with my brother, so I can feel your pain. I don't claim to be an expert on this topic but most people go through a stage of feeling shy and self conscious at some point in their life, myself included. I believe you need to rectify the situation before it gets any worse. You are obviously ready to move on with your life. I am not sure if you are involved in theatre or the entertainment industry, probably not because of your situation, but you are definately headed in the right direction by looking in this area......do an acting short course...nothing too heavy, just a fun introduction. They teach you a variety of relaxation and expressive excercises. Everyone is in the same boat whilst you are there, everyone is silly (or open), and everyone has fun!! It will improve your confidence dramatically!! Even if you don't want to act, it WILL help you! I am not sure what state you are in either, but if you let us know, I am sure everyone will point you in the right direction as to which one to enrol in! You only live once....make YOURSELF happy.
Good luck and let us know how you go.
xx

Hi Andrea,

first things first, you are not alone in feeling like this. Everyone goes through this at some point. How to get out of it - well you've acknowledged it is a problem and obviously you have the guts to want to get through it, as you have asked for help. That's brave.

Personally, i think because of your strict catholic upbringing (I am also from one), you have abided by your parents rules and thoughts for so long (and they have made such an impact on you) that you are not comfortable making your own decisions. You are probably not commiting to anything because you haven't comitted to yourself - you don't quite know who you are yourself because you've been fed so much from your parents.

I don't know how to solve it, but I tell you what is a great book to buy - the artists way, it is a 12 week course (you read one chapter a week and do the exercises) by the end of it you will should be more sure of who you are, you will do things for you and no-one else but you, it is a very good self-discovering adventure. To start with make a list of all the things that make you happy, whether it be seeing a movie, sitting under a tree on a hot day, baking a chocolate cake etc etc and make sure you spend time doing these things - it will give you an instant lift as you are doing things YOU enjoy!

Know that this too will pass, and you can overcome this.

Melissa

The Artist's Way
Julia Cameron

Pan Books 1994

[%sig%]

Have you ever thought of seeing a psychiatrist? They are wonderful creatures, providing you get a good one that works well with you, but I have to confess your described situation reeks of egocentricity and self indulgence. I understand that catholicism, once ingrained, is there forever, (and thus should be banished from the planet), and you can spend a lifetime furiously telling yourself it's all a crock, then immediately get all god fearing and guilty for that thought in the first place. But the problems you describe don't seem to have much to do with the should I take the pill versus having ten children, should I become a nun versus should I throw it all in with the devil and become an actress. Therefore, perhaps the first step is, especially as you're now in your thirties, is to take some responsibility for yourself and who you are. Every serial killer has a tale to tell about a shitty upbringing - all true, of course, but does that condone the serial killing?
So, Andrea, I say pull your finger out, stop moping about. You probaly just have a simple little personality disorder, like most of us, that needs to be sorted. You, as an adult, need to cope and function. You don't seem to be - unless paranoia has become chic and not a mental illness anymore - therefore find out why you're not coping.
The previous answers are band aid solutions. Too many times people learn to paste a facade over the intitial problem, which means the problem never goes away. Also, asking yourself what makes you happy, seriously, are you able to answer that honestly, with no interference from you , id, ego or superego? In other words, we tell ourselves what we want to believe, or think we should believe about ourselves. Also, there's that whole labyrinth of issues about what we see as a comfort is actually self destruction - LIKE EATING EXCESSIVELY. You think it's your friend, when it's self loathing that is probably prompting it.
As i said - see a good therapist. And not a social worker or a psychologist. A good bloody psychiatrist.

I disagree with the last comment. Yes, help is good, but I think it is a matter of insecurity not thier "ego". Not all people, adult or otherwise have the strength, knowledge or confidence to "just pull your finger out". Sometimes it is the most daunting thing just actually getting out to go and get help. People need encouragement and support and I don't believe that reading an inspirational book or looking at a class that they may enjoy as a "bandaid" solution. It ALL helps, and without these small steps, how will they get better? If Andrea spends her life getting help and not doing these other things that are a part of life, she isn't really doing what she really wants.....and that is having friends and confidence. If her family is so strict that she doesn't know HOW to communicate, she will understandably lose confidence and eventually get to the point where she feels the way she does because she has NO-ONE. Wouldn't that make you feel sad, depressed and shy? I know it would make me feel like that. And especially because she is in her 30's....she doesn't know what socialising is and probably feels quite insignificant......she needs friends and support. So I believe once you have done this Andrea.....make some friends by starting with small things, like doing some classes and read some great books....you will get some confidence & be happy! Write down one goal for the week....something that you think is a challenge but also think you can do...and make yourself do it!
Good luck
xx

Mya, when I refer to ego, I don't mean conceited or selfishness, I mean in the Freudian sense - the part of the personality that is conscious of the environment and adapts to it. Sorry if it's a bit technical, unlike you're, indeed, band aid solutions. Double band aid solutions.
You one minute tell someone that "it's okay to be screwed up, I understand!", and then give advice that is completely impractical for someone who is locked up in a world of insecurity, isolation and self consciousness. HOW DOES THIS PERSON JUST SUDDENLY LAUNCH THEMSELVES UPON THE WORLD AND MAKE FRIENDS AND BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION? It sounds like you read too many Cosmopolitans and the like. Cut your teeth on Dolly magazine at first?
Your solutions call for Andrea to have tools that she patently doesn't have. But she takes your advice, fails, and can now just add that failure to the list, and wonder all over again, what is wrong with her that she can't interact with people, that they don't like her, etc. If it works for people like you, Mya, and not for her, who will Andrea blame? You? No, she will blame herself, and hate herself more.
And what is wrong with recommending someone to get professional help? Where are you from? What backwater? Didn't you know that therapy is perfectly acceptable and fine? And what happens in therapy, is you learn to understand not only what is wrong, but why, and slowly how to fix it. So that when you go out and make friends, it's not because you have to, to HELP YOURSELF, but because you want to, having gotten into a position where you've tackled the problems and are freer and less fearful.
I, likewise, wish Andrea luck, but go and get help. Why should you read dumb books and sit around trying to work the complexity of your own mind out? It's too hard. There is too much. You are too subjective. Let someone else do it for her, help you. It's truly liberating.

I rather feel the discussion here has drifted away from what a common public forum can sensibly deal with.

The question in the first place was probably misplaced, although if genuine answers were sought, the community here are all generally helpful. But without knowing how qualified someone is to answer, you have to make up your own mind about how valuable or not their advice is (including mine)...which could be tricky if your mind is a bit vulnerable right now.
We've not heard again from the original author, so it seems a little strange to argue in more and more depth about how to assist a subject who is no longer part of the conversation.

As far as the problem of overcoming shyness, theatrical types are probably a bit removed from the actual problem, although they have probably been there at some stage in their past and so can be terrific role models of an end to aspire to. Learning from others relating their experiences is probably the extent to which this forum can assist.


But on personal observation I must say I have far preferred Mya's comments to Catty's. Whether Mya is aware of Freudian terminology or not, her comments have seemed sensitive, encouraging and helpful. Catty, your comments to Andrea and then Mya have displayed a perhaps better technical awareness of psychology terms, but a rather less sympathetic or tolerant attitude in your explanations...which don't actually seem that helpful. Your advice and your experience is worth bringing to the table, but your table etiquette may need a bit more polish.



cheers,
Craig


PS And what's wrong with 'band-aid' solutions? I've taken skin off more times than anyone could count. When I put a bandaid on, a few days later, it's better. ...?

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Catty, No I haven't done a degree in phycology so I apologise for my lack of understanding of the word "ego". Maybe I will read a book or two and so should everyone else reading the post so that we all understand what it was exactly that you meant. I thought your comments were harsh directed to someone who needs encouragement, so we will have to agree to disagree. Also, you should have been responding to Andrea in your opinion and not criticising other people's genuine concern.

Thankyou Craig for the support as you seem to understand where I was coming from.

I have a brother that suffers from extreme social phobia and he has been put into hospital, did they help then? No. Does he still get help? No. He is scared of them. I once called and told him about the lead I got in a ad, and he said "I would like to do that". He showed interest in it....doesn't that say something? I told him that when I have enough money, I will bring him to the state I am in and take him to an intro acting class. That seemed to appeal to him a lot more than getting professional help.

The first step, however Andrea decides to go about it will be hard.....so a casual, not too intense intodroductory class and a good inspirational book is good advice, for a start. Then if she can go and get professional help...sure! I don't remember saying "don't go and do that". Like Craig said, people decide in their own heart what advice to take.

So, I will say no more on this topic, although my comments were coming from a heartache of personal experience not from a degree.

P.S I don't really read Dolly or Cosmo, I just have a sympathetic heart and was offering my encouragement to Andrea.

Ok. All right. Everything is all sweetness and light, sugar and spice... the bottom line is, my fervent reply and counter reply are indicative of my impatience when it comes to someone having something quite wrong with them, and getting trite responses. Because my response was hard hitting, does that make it any less sincere or caring? Obviously with you lot, yes. It was the sense that Mya's (yes, the long absent Mya) problem probably runs quite deep, that such inadequacy, that has gone on for so many years, has roots very deep down. Join a group? And what happens when that fails? Who does one hate then? The person who gave the advice? No. The person who has yet again failed.
Also, crgwllms (aka Craig Williams?), don't pompously judge people's content, then proceed to do the very thing you've just censured. That's pretty wanky.
Band aid solutions? The whole point of the expression is deprecating, so when you ask what's wrong with them....
Sentimentality is for plebs. Mya's note, whilst yes, thinking it's really in the wrong place, touched me, because I sensed her frustration.
The brother with a social phobia? To be interested in acting, sounds like he's also suffering from a counter-phobia. Also, it's always the maddest that hate the shrinks. Show me a schizophrenic that loves the psychiatric profession.
Am I a shrink, psychologist, etc? No. Just someone with information. Hope that doesn't threaten you.

Catty wrote:
>
> Also, crgwllms (aka Craig Williams?),


Damn, my cover is blown.


> don't pompously judge
> people's content, then proceed to do the very thing you've
> just censured. That's pretty wanky.



Did I do that? I'm sorry, if you see it that way, for that's not what I intended.

I don't judge anyone for having an opinion. If I make judgments concerning that opinion, then I intend and expect to be judged for those judgments in return. But at least, in my judgment, my judgments are without prejudice.
Pompous and wanky? Quite possibly. You be the judge.



Okay... I am quite prepared to back away from this topic (I really only came back here to show-off my clever subject heading) because a) as my last post thoroughly indicated, I don't think this is the right forum; and b) it's true, I'm not really qualified to continue. You've obviously spent a lot more time speaking to psychiatrists than I have.



Cheers
crgwnky

[%sig%]

Judging people that you don't know again"Catty".......especially someone who you have absolutely no information about. I am glad my brother has me as a sister!
I feel you will be a very lonely old women one day...

Just want to say that I reckon both perspectives are completely valid. It all depends on the person who is seeking the advice.

Theres no point arguing, name-calling and countering each other because its not of any use to our friend andrea. In the end, its up to her how she uses the advices she gets from her different sources.

Idiosyncracies make the world go round. If we had a formula/solution to everything - we wouldn't have any drama. Or theatre for that matter ;)


"Life sux, wearing a fucking helmet" - Denis Leary.


Crispy.

Having been shy most of my life I have some idea of what you may be going through. I'm a nurse. I found that Careing for other people required speaking up and being a spokes person for them in times when they could not do this for themselves. I grew to be more out spoken. I would never have spoken up for myself. It took several years before I became comfortable in this role and at times it was very unconfortable for me.( Personal growth sometimes is.) I'm glad I came out of my shell. As a parent, there are times when I have needed to help my childern and stand up for their rights. Public speaking was a nightmare for me. I would get so nervous I would get dizzy. At my church, I now speak at the pulpit several times a year. I started small with one or two liine announcements. I typed them on a paper with extra large print so even when I was nervous I could read the message. I still keep my speaches to one page of large type ..about 5 minutes. Know that you are a good person and everyone has something to give to others. Most peole are as uncomfortable as you in new situations and are really relieved when someone initiates a conversation. Telling a joke or saying something flattering or funny is often a good starting point. Go forward and don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck.