The Second Samueltonian News

WARM TIMES FOR THE TOWN Things here in Second Samuel are about usual for this time of year. The weather is pretty warm but don't be fooled by that! It isn't time to be setting out your tomato plants just yet! The tender young leaves are sprouting out on the weeping cherry tree in my front yard and all the azaleas have tiny little blossoms just ready to pop! Things are pretty quiet here in Second Samuel. Soon enough we'll hear the sound of lawn mowers and roto-tillers preparing the garden. You can see the boys next door tuning up their dirt bikes and getting ready to spend time riding out in the woods. Any minute now they'll drag out the old bass boat and get it ready for this year’s season. Don't you just love the sound of a motorboat echoing across the lake late in the afternoon? It always reminds me of Mansel Dean and his brother Raymond and how they use to fool around with their speedboat. Mansel Dean was bad to drink. Everybody in Second Samuel knew that. Now, he wasn't a bad alcoholic like his brother Raymond, who was always in some kind of real trouble. Either with his wife or the law or ol' Miss Madison who lives down the road. She was just plain hell, better to be arrested. No, Mansel just liked to have a few cold ones now and then. More now than then but he was harmless enough for the most part. The thing was when Mansel started drinkin', Mansel started thinkin'. All he needed was a few sips of anything alcoholic and Mansel would start to wonder- How long can you drive through downtown steering with your feet before the sheriff stops you or how many folks can you get in an outhouse or- my favorite- How hard could it be to teach a pig to water ski? Mansel and Raymond were up at the Bait and Brew playing their favorite game, which was seeing who could drink the most beer before they absolutely had to go outside and relieve themselves. Raymond generally won; his bladder capacity was amazing. Well, the boys were on their tenth bottle of Miller High Life when Mansel began to talk about his new motorboat, how fast it would go and what fun it was to water ski. Given the natural progression of conversation in Second Samuel it was inevitable that supposition about farm animals began to be involved. "You know," Mansel wondered out loud, "I bet I could teach a dog to ski." "Nope. Dog’s too stupid. He'd keep dropping the tow rope to bark at all the boats." was Raymond’s response. "Hell, Raymond, don't be stupid. You'd have to tie the rope 'round his neck." Mansel was irritated at Raymond's foolishness. "Choke him to death. Be dragging round a dead dog corpse." It worried Mansel that his brother seemed so sure of this. "How 'bout a cow?" "Can't see a cow going willingly into the lake. Too skittish. Same thing with a mule. Maybe a goat?" "A goat would fight you every inch of the way, you know how argumentative they can be." Mansel and Raymond got real quiet. Raymond drained a beer and belched; Mansel picked at a chigger bite. They looked at one another as a thought hit them both at the same moment. "Pigs!" they both shouted. The choice was obvious. They could not imagine why they did not think of it in the first place. Pigs were naturally buoyant, toss one in the water and he'd float as good as a watermelon. Pigs were agreeable and smart enough to follow orders but not smart enough to give them. And the perfect pig was Mansel's favorite spotty pig- Rosella. Rosella was a real beauty, as far as pigs go of course. She had button eyes, a pink snout and pretty splotches of black on her rump that Mansel had, on many a toot, gathered the children around for a geography lesson. "Here's South 'merica, here's Chiny, and here's the continent of Australia!" -To Be Continued-