Death of the Theatre Etiquette,

Sitting in the auditorium of a theatre just before a performance begins there’s a certain feeling of excitement, entrancement and euphoria that comes over me, the lights slowly fade you into darkness and your senses heighten, that’s when the overture or the opening music starts to play and helps you adjust into feeling and atmosphere of the production.

 

The stage lights rise and direct your attention to the appropriate area of the stage were a story starts to unfold right before your eyes, then BANG! You hear the door to the theatre slam closed, this distracts and diverts your concentration for a second, then your back with the actors in their world of fantasy. But no sooner have you got you focus back you hear the sound of heavy foot steps ascending the hollow raked seating, which always seems to creek and groan no matter how well built it is, that’s when you realize the inevitable late comers have arrived!

 

These are the theatre goers that seem to be preordained in nature to arrive ten minutes after Curtin up, and are unfamiliar with the basics of theatre etiquette.

 

They have been shown to their seats and start to settle themselves in, oblivious to the performance that’s occurring right in front of them, first it’s time to change the settings on the mobile phone, why oh why they couldn’t do this prior to entering the venue is beyond me but at least they have remembered, now one thing I know that is a major cause of controversy in the theatre circuit is mobile phones and the difference in the silent and off settings, you always hear please turn your phone off as it interferes with the sound, now we have all heard it at some point a phone that is on silent sends out a signal that echo’s over the sound system (da, da da de pip pip de de) but after many talks and personal experience a phone on silent does not cause this unless you are either A. near a microphone or B. near the mixing desk with exposed inputs. So really I have no issue with this, but I do hate the fact that when the screen lights up on a mobile phone, especially the latest models that you could blind an enemy helicopter from the ground with, the patron thinks they are being inconspicuous holding the phone down between their legs not realizing they are sending out the bat signal and creating a large shadow on the roof of their crotch.

 

Well now the late comers have settled into place, created the Perth Skyworks in the laps, you would think they would be ready to immerse themselves in some culture, but alas no, after arriving late, they are hungry so out comes the worlds loudest chip packet and a packet of mints, so you get the rustle and the pop of the opening of the chip packet then the inevitable crunch of teeth on crispy potato wafers. Once the mastication has been completed it’s time to have a mint, there’s the tear of the wrapper and then it happens the sound of all the mints falling on the floor and those allusive few that manage to make it down the smallest crack in the seating and you can hear each small white tablet bounce of all the metal struts and supports as it falls into the abyss.

 

Now this delightful disruption has consumed at least thirty minutes of the performance, and you think they may have finally settled in, there’s silence, obviously they have started to get into the performance, then there’s a thump, and your chair bounces forward, you think they are just getting comfortable and it was an accident then it happens again and again, then they start to whisper stupid comments to each other about the actors looks, weight, acting ability and whatever else they can find to giggle and sneer about.

 

It’s at this point that you realise why are these people here, do they not conceive that while the actors are on stage, they are not that far away and can more likely hear every word or noise that they generate, IT’S NOT A MOVIE PEOPLE, IT’S LIVE THEATRE! By this point it is ridiculous, and you’re just about to snap….. intermission arrives the house lights come up, you turn around and give the evil stare of death, you get up and leave the auditorium do what you need to do, and prepare for round two of the most annoying people in the world, only to find they have left.. Why who knows, but I’m just glad their gone and hope they never sit near me again..

 

God I love theatre!