The Official Guide to Surviving Awful Productions Starring or Produced by Your Friends, by Daniel Kershaw

Ever had the misfortune of going to a show produced or starring one of your friends only to find IT WAS A PIECE OF SHIT? Then this guide is for you. These ten tips will assist you in avoiding and diplomatically dealing with your friend’s show, which, let’s face it, sucks more than Courtney Love. 1. The truth is overrated. Remember your parents and teachers telling you that the truth must always be told, even if it gets you in trouble or is hurtful to someone? Now, I’m no Rene Descartes, but who else can see something fundamentally wrong with this statement? Who wants to hurt someone? Who wants to get in trouble? Not me. So, when your friend looks at you with those puppy dog eyes and asks you what you thought, well, you just tell them exactly what they want to hear, which is roughly, “The show was absolutely brilliant. It was hard hitting, yet funny. It also intellectually dealt with the themes in a very creative and original way. And your performance was outstanding. So raw and animalistic. I really thought I was watching someone else up there. Oh, and your co-star, the blonde with the massive rack, she wants you BAD!” Think you can handle that? I know, I know, like myself you probably have some self respect and could not whore yourself like that on a regular basis, so let’s move onto step two. 2. If you’re not good at lying, be as vague as humanly possible. Say things like, “it was fun” and “you looked like you had a lot of fun up there” (even if it was at my expense). They don’t mean anything, but they sound like you liked the show. 3. Do your research. Ask people who have seen the show and find out whether it’s any good, before you decide to see the production. If the consensus is that it’s up there with the artistic achievements of Ed Wood, then make a plausible excuse for not going. Remember this important fact: elderly family members can only die once. 4. Consult Gordon the Optometrist. He sees and reviews nearly every show in Perth. Now, Gordon’s reviews can be a little misleading, because he seems to like everything, but if you follow my Gordon-scale, you will be able to discern what he REALLY thinks. - If Gordon says it’s the best theatre he has ever seen, then it’s probably the best show he has seen in a few months. - If he says the show is excellent, but forgoes mentioning the acting overing technical aspects, then there must be a few awful performances in the production. - If he discusses the script for most of his review and little else, that means that it was well written, but the production was lousy. - If he gives it less than three and a half stars out of five, it would be better to stay home and watch television. - If Gordon doesn’t like a show, then it must be really shit. 5. If you find yourself watching a train wreck of a production, there are only two options. 1) Say you are unwell and leave. 2) Leave during the intermission, running to you car as fast as your fat little legs will carry you. Hopefully your friend wouldn’t have seen you in the audience, so you can tell them you didn’t go. They might be a little upset you didn’t come to support them, but trust me, it is better than talking about the show. 6. Make fake commitments. Tell your friends you have work, even if you’re unemployed. Tell them you have a rehearsal that night, even if it’s Saturday. Tell them you’re going to visit your invalid grandmother, even if you hate the old bitch and wish she’d kick the bucket. They might think you’re lying, but they won’t actually say it to your face. 7. If you know the show is crap, yet your friends insist on giving you Facebook invitations to it, always mark that you are attending and then simply don’t go. Saying yes to the invitation is just as valid as actually turning up. 8. If you haven’t managed to weasel out of a terrible performance, then you’re going to have to stoically face your fate like Christians in the Colosseum. However, all hope is not lost. After the show has finished and you have been left in a near catatonic state, wait for your friends with as many alcoholic beverages as your puny little hands can hold. ALL ACTORS HAVE SELF ESTEEM ISSUES AND LIKE TO DRINK TO MAKE UP FOR THEIR INSERCURITIES. Exploit this. Before they ask you what you thought about the show, make them drink at least two standard drinks. Change the subject, make them talk about themselves (thespians love this), anything, just don’t let the topic of your opinion surface until they have had something to drink, or else your plan is ruined. After they have consumed a reasonable amount of alcohol, you can pretty much say anything and they won’t be as upset and you might even find they will start agreeing with you, because the alcohol has brought out their inferiority complex. 9. If you hate your friends show, don’t post your thoughts on theatre.asn. Even if you have written an eloquent critique using the epitome of the English language, they will be screaming effrontery five minutes after you have posted. Seriously, posting the truth on this website destroys relationships quicker than stealing, backstabbing or adultery ever could. Remember that slinging match between Greg Ross and Stinger? Well, not many people know this, but before that debacle, they used to be red hot lovers. So, I hope this is a lesson to you all. 10. If you’re friends constantly keep producing crap, stop being friends with them. I know it sounds superficial and maybe I am, but I’d rather lose a friend then be subjected to three/four awful productions a year.