Peter Clark is going to break my legs.

Last night I got a disturbing phone call from director Peter Clark. I will transcribe it from memory as best I can. I think the phone call was around 11pm. Daniel answers ringing phone. Daniel: Hello. Peter: Daniel. Daniel: Hi. Who is this? Peter: Peter. Peter Clark. Daniel: Oh hey! How are you going Peter? Peter: I’m calling you about tickets for the Birthday Party. Daniel: I’m definitely coming. I’m really looking forward to it. Peter: How many people are you bringing? Daniel: Half a dozen or so. Peter: That’s not good enough. Daniel: … Peter: You told me you would bring thirty people. Now you tell me that you’re only bringing half a dozen. How much is a dozen anyway? Daniel: Six. Peter: I thought it was six and a half. A dozen is thirteen. Daniel: Um, you’re thinking of a baker’s dozen. Peter: Don’t patronise me you smart arse. Daniel: Peter, I don’t appreciate being called up at 11pm and bullied in this fashion. I am very supportive of your work. I even blogged for you on the Theatre Australia website. Peter: About that. Firstly, it’s total s#*t Daniel. When you said you’d like to do some publicity for me, I had it on good authority you could construct a coherent sentence. What were you thinking? I have a reputation to uphold. I don’t need this dribble being associated with me. Secondly, you’ve only posted once. I want you to post four, no fives times a day proclaiming me as a theatrical genius. Didn’t you see that review about me on the site? Daniel: You mean the one I wrote? Peter: Shut the f*#*k up. Daniel: Okay, I think I’ve heard enough. See you Peter. Peter: DANIEL! I’m not messing around. You better do as I say. I’m a dangerous man. Daniel: You’re starting to scare me Peter. Peter: Yeah, be scared Daniel. Be scared. I’m Peter Clark and I’m f*#&ing nuts! I get what I want and you know what happens when I don’t get exactly what I want? Daniel: Peter, please stop this… Peter: People get their legs broke. Daniel: I need my legs to walk. Peter: Well, if you like walking as much as I do, then you’ll do exactly as I say. Daniel: Consider me impressed Peter. I’ll do what you say. Peter: And if that’s not going to persuade you, maybe I’ll send David Gregory and Eddie Stowers to sort you out. Daniel: David’s a really nice guy, I find it hard to believe… Peter: You think they’re acting in the Birthday Party? I cast them cause they are crazy motherf*%kers. It’s not acting. You seen the size of Eddie Stowers? One word from me and he will snap you like a twig. Daniel: (crying) I’ll do it okay. I promise, just don’t hurt me. Peter: Thanks Daniel. I really appreciate it. You know, you can be a little stubborn at times, but you’re good person. I'll see you around Dan. This is the point where the phone conversation ended. So please, if you have any sympathy for the welfare of my legs, come to The Birthday Party. You can catch the Birthday Party at Rechabites Hall, in Northbridge between the 17th and 27th of September. Book through Bocs (9494-1133) or just show up at the door.